Any decent stake houses in Texas?

Wot kind of @*&?@~#@>{]%^£" question is that. Larry L. King only wrote Best Little Whorehouse in Texas because he was a dyslexic vegan with meataphobia.

Thus commenced my brother's visit to Texas. He then momentarily unnerved me with the enquiry as to "Any decent dress shops......" followed by the explanation of an upcoming wedding at which he was to be Maid of Honour

JUST KIDDING

If I seem slightly off the wall this blog, 1 week of 7 people in a two bedroomed apartment including two nephews (one of whom should have brought his own brick lavatory to sleep in since he was perfectly sized for such accommodation) followed instantly by a week with just little ol' me since P went off to find an "Even Bigger Boys Airfix Kit of Planes" is discombobulating (what a great word).

So May has been merry with visits to stuff



Cockamainey(?) commentators who have their back to the match to tell you what's going on. I was so shocked when they told the audience there was a dwarf wearing an english milkmaid outfit taking a picture of them....


and lots of festivals etc.



Where you get to eat
out of a lorry sized tin.
And also....

Don't even go there....


See it all has to happen before the killing heat sets in, though there has been the odd stupefying 97 (36 C) degrees to melt the rubber on my brother's wellies. They have been fused to his feet since last May when his house was flooded, they should finish it in September....He wanted to come in July but as I pointed out, Fort Worth Fire Department is not geared up to remove Englishman struck to the tarmac of the I30.

Oh did I mention the World Famous Frisbee dogs...It's a good job this guy doesn't provide a running commentary on his skill at training performing bulls....

I think this was a survivor of the new strain of disease..Imagine a bacteria of that size falling through the air conditioning system at tea time in the Bide a Wee Rest Home for the Seriously Bewildered

Oh ok then it just attacks Mounties....

May has also seen the first of our Patio Productions

That was just about all of them..

And many thanks to my friend "Neeta" for giving me a rubber rattlesnake to keep the birds away from P's tommies which have all decided to go red while he is away. Stops me having to perform a banshee act as the birds sit on the balcony opposite snickering like Mutley and muttering "Medal, medal"


In the natural world this lot also come out for a brief suntan but they are useless at giving advice on which ivy is poisonous



And so comes the next festival in Grapevine where I can confirm Elvis is not dead but part of a really bad witness protection programme.

The last whore in Texas is strung up as an example

And apparently if I eat all my baked beans I too can frighten little children.

Gosh we have been busy...can you tell who it is yet???

OOh Look what else grew while this other guy was engaged in tantric sex...

It was a great night other than the fact that all of my pictures are taken between Godzilla size speakers...
And so we come to the visit and one of the Prosser trips...to the "mini league" of baseball. "Queenie queenie who's got the ball? Is she fit or unspeakably short" (is that right?)

Gimme your pension money or the teapot gets it..

More little children having nightmares

I f..t in your general direction.

Great backdrop for your stadium

Meanwhile after all the paint had dried we were treated to Memorial day fireworks to which even with my Canon Imp I cannot do justice.

I quickly eschewed the opportunity to become the next puss in baseball boots and have ended up as the Dallas Cowboys honorary mascot driving round in this since I am the only one small enough...


Look at all the space I have to cover

Sharman ...legs like a Texan cheer leader? see acronym below (management will not be responsible for any mis-translation)

And so the non brick lavatory sized nephew gets to handle the ball

Whilst his dad with no thought for the double hernia or Osgood Slatters (I kid you not) sets his stall out to respond

Meanwhile back in the changing locker Leonard "Brick Lavatory" Davis discovers his kit has been pinched by the toilet bandits

You know how I like trail riding and having been a few times I was starting to get a bit too familiar with the trails but this time there was a difference

But it is not pure luck that my brother who was the role model for Terry Scott's song (some of you are way too young) was on Joker who suddenly decided to re-enact key parts of Itsy Bitsy Teeny Weeny Yellow Polka Dot Bikini...you know she was afraid to come out of the "wadre". Apparently he's just not masterful enough, obviously it is me looking back whilst riding off no-handed into the sunset.

Megan was afeared that he would die......til I pointed out he was big enough and daft enough to look after himself

And sure enough, after giving Joker the Laaaaaaaaaazy Eye

Did I tell you about the character that came on the previous ride...well she screeched into the yard hotly pursued by a Southlake policeman and hollered

Y'all wait for me wharl I get me a ticket!

Which took 20 minutes because she was trying to chat him up not to give her one (or maybe..)

Anyway 45 miles an hour in a 30 mile an hour zone plus driving without her licence upon her person.. she ended up with just 1 ticket. Bumping into her in the bunkhouse this time she didn't recognise me but started anyway

How tall are you?? How muuuuuuch do you weigh?

Luuuuucks me up and down. Leans over to whisper in a 10 decibel confidential tone

Ar hayd me a colonscopy yisterday.....been shitten for 3 days.
Do you farnd Texans a bit stuck uuup?

And thayts all I have to say about thayt...

And almost finally we are proud grandparents again though they must also all have had colonoscopies given the state of our front porch. There were five of them and they have since flown the nest.



And nearly almost finally this blog is dedicated to:
a - my brother and his family because it was great to be able to give them some Wow in their rain sodden/temporary accommodation world and
b - my friends Neeta (Anita really) and Mandy who have to leave us very soon but have brought their families out here and have embraced all things Texan and given us some great laughs. The picture below is for you.


And really finally. You know when I said I might be a little off the wall after recent events....look what Sleeping Beauty's hench fairies Flora, Fauna and Merryweather persuaded me to have built while P was away..


XXX

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Tiring of Naples’ millionaire’s row hotels we needed to redress the balance so en route to Key West we stayed here in Tavernier just beyond Key Largo and Humphrey Bogart territory. Which was a little run down we thought.




It had all the usual luxuries…collapsed drawers and cacophonous air con but the view from the sun deck was as follows:



We were both overtired from wrestling with marshmallows and a future Gucci handbag so it did.

The remainder of the journey to Key West was….blue and spattered with bridges:





I knew Jamie Lee Curtis hanging from a helicopter after slaying the Persian artefact pirate was real life (True Lies), and now she advertises pro-biotic yoghurt as a way of saying she is gracefully if not digestively succumbing to old age



And the road went ever on



Until a stop at Bahia Honda which was in Florida blog no 1. But in case you forgot and still don’t believe it’s that blue:



Here photographic disaster nearly ensued plus the end of my life…not trusting another Yankee looking photographic expert(see Florida blog 1) to take a photo of us against the blue background I decided to test my Sony Imp’s timer by balancing it on an old crate (not my idea) which was wedged in a tree and then running to stand with P. But I caught the branch, almost caught the camera but it then landed lens down in the sand. Furious blowing ensued and some heart wrenching moments as a few grains crackled as the lens retracted….suffice to say if I had included the subsequent photo that was the culprit..and which features P’s copious sunburn…he would have sold me as bait at a water moccasin convention.

And so to Key West…how can you sum it up in a phrase…well the one in the ladies’ toilet of the Schooner Wharf bar is a good start…

“Don’t sweat the petty things just pet the sweaty things”

Additionally Key West is known as the Conch Republic and in 1986 when the US government blockaded the Keys because of Cuban migrant issues it seceded from the Union, declared war on the Federal government, surrendered and then applied for international aid!

Let’s here it for the little people and wonky lamp-posts



This is the best way to see Key West but I have never ridden a fix wheel bike...I wore out my pumps!



Parking is metered at the same rate as Kensington and Chelsea.

Remembering our priorities – booming property portfolio first





Stopping off for a lunchtime Margarita in the Schooner Wharf bar




and to check out marine type assets


Ancient



And modern



Then time to re-fuel with proper Jamaican Jerk chicken and Red Stripe at the Blue Heaven



Which had this running round the yard



practising his stud muffin skills on all the females also in the yard...Not good as you sink your teeth into one of his spiced up former conquests.

Here comes some more culture and education



Key West is the southernmost point of the US



Key West is the origin of the “why did the chicken cross the road jokes



Ernest Hemingway had a home here,



which he also offered as a haven to cats and the society still does. Some of them have the genetic mutation of five toes..it can’t be seen that well here but on the left front paw if you look closely you can just see it peeping out the back.



According to the guide who seemed to look like and drink the same amount of whiskey out of a hip flask as his hero



Hemingway appears to have loved a number of women and also for me had an unhealthy obsession with birthing stools> Also check out the lino! He was one of Picasso's pals.



And for those of you who thought I was just a “wild” child…Charlie Dimmock wear your vest out….










Florida is almost done but here is a community announcement:-

When in strange places always check your tuffet before sitting down in case you encounter one of these



Sharman

PS - I did go back the next night to get another shot but I didn’t cry this time

Alligator Shoooooooes

Before the stupendous Shane of Jungle Erv's makes an appearance or at least his floorshow, enter P and S’s not one, not one and half but two walls of fire – ok so a Nissan Sunny with rear spoiler pootling past isn’t quite like Evil catapulting him and his Kamikazi hondazuki through a hoop of fire but nobody told us we would meet this as we trundled along the Tamiami trail (the real Alligator Alley - thanks to Melinda who reminded me of its name). Red Butler get your hose out..





Intermission followed almost immediately by Part 2






And so to water



I am terrified of alligators and snakes and when I really thought about the possibility of being cast into their midst by a giant hairdryer or becoming Ludwig van Beethoven unable to hear them creep upon me it was only the fact that I would have a fantastic fairground ride without having to climb 1600 feet that got me on the airboat. I girded my loins (with factor 15) and fitted my Mickey Mouse ears and settled down at the front next to German lady with a very large zoom lens and no English (I have no German and P hasn’t forgiven them for having better tanks and a jazzier uniform). As we alternately flew then mooched through the waterways…….




Shane (a skinny version of Steve Irwin) proceeded to tell us there are 4 poisonous snakes in the Everglades…2 types of rattler, 1 little thing that apparently has to chew a fleshy bit for 10 minutes to really make an impact (sounds like me when trying to discuss irony with a Texan), and the nastiest of ‘em all The Water Moccasin or Cottonmouth who unlike a rattler will chase you through the water, get its nasty venom into your nervous system and goodnight Minihaha before your cocoa has even developed a skin.

Clearly banned from driving on land at this point Shane performs the aqua version of a combined wheelie handbrake turn, tells P to mind his feet as a wave of muddy, sulphurous, brackish water washes comes through the crack in the side and clean over the top…

“He he heeee. Don’t worry you’ll stop smelling in about a week”

Comforting for a man who gets all unnecessary if he can’t wash before his tea, not to mention the woman who has to drive at least another 70 miles with him in a confined albeit, air conditioned space. Suddenly my Neapolitan sea sponges are assuming the aromatic status of a bucket of Estee Lauder…

And how did Shane seek to distract me from my fears…stop off at an embankment where he knew Archibald the Alligator would perform for a marshmallow puffalump ….




Look what happened to the last marshmallow majorette! !



Ok so it’s a boar's skull. Apparently the Spanish brought the pigs to the area.

Anyway the trip was exhilarating…apparently my eyes lit up like Blackpool illuminations and it is one of the best $70 plus tax I have spent. For once no b..lsh..t just exactly what it said on the packet.

In the car later trying to distract from Monsieur Malodour we spent much of the time trying to think of alligator equivalents of “Never Smile at a Crocodile” and the best two lines I could come up (and you have to really work at the rhythm)

Never Interrogat a Alligator,
Never melt his marshmallow on a radiator

And in case you ever meet one on the Kings Road….alligators can run on dry land at about 20 miles an hour and except for the odd accident with a sponge cake baked by a British woman who can’t get caster sugar in the US they always have 80 teeth.

Ernie Hemingway catch me a marlin I’ll be back for breakfast.