Thus commenced my brother's visit to Texas. He then momentarily unnerved me with the enquiry as to "Any decent dress shops......" followed by the explanation of an upcoming wedding at which he was to be Maid of Honour
JUST KIDDING
If I seem slightly off the wall this blog, 1 week of 7 people in a two bedroomed apartment including two nephews (one of whom should have brought his own brick lavatory to sleep in since he was perfectly sized for such accommodation) followed instantly by a week with just little ol' me since P went off to find an "Even Bigger Boys Airfix Kit of Planes" is discombobulating (what a great word).
So May has been merry with visits to stuff
Cockamainey(?) commentators who have their back to the match to tell you what's going on. I was so shocked when they told the audience there was a dwarf wearing an english milkmaid outfit taking a picture of them....
and lots of festivals etc.
Where you get to eat
out of a lorry sized tin.And also....
Don't even go there....
See it all has to happen before the killing heat sets in, though there has been the odd stupefying 97 (36 C) degrees to melt the rubber on my brother's wellies. They have been fused to his feet since last May when his house was flooded, they should finish it in September....He wanted to come in July but as I pointed out, Fort Worth Fire Department is not geared up to remove Englishman struck to the tarmac of the I30.
Oh did I mention the World Famous Frisbee dogs...It's a good job this guy doesn't provide a running commentary on his skill at training performing bulls....
I think this was a survivor of the new strain of disease..Imagine a bacteria of that size falling through the air conditioning system at tea time in the Bide a Wee Rest Home for the Seriously Bewildered
Oh ok then it just attacks Mounties....
May has also seen the first of our Patio Productions
That was just about all of them..
And many thanks to my friend "Neeta" for giving me a rubber rattlesnake to keep the birds away from P's tommies which have all decided to go red while he is away. Stops me having to perform a banshee act as the birds sit on the balcony opposite snickering like Mutley and muttering "Medal, medal"
In the natural world this lot also come out for a brief suntan but they are useless at giving advice on which ivy is poisonous
And so comes the next festival in Grapevine where I can confirm Elvis is not dead but part of a really bad witness protection programme.
The last whore in Texas is strung up as an example
And apparently if I eat all my baked beans I too can frighten little children.
Gosh we have been busy...can you tell who it is yet???
OOh Look what else grew while this other guy was engaged in tantric sex...
It was a great night other than the fact that all of my pictures are taken between Godzilla size speakers...
And so we come to the visit and one of the Prosser trips...to the "mini league" of baseball. "Queenie queenie who's got the ball? Is she fit or unspeakably short" (is that right?)
Gimme your pension money or the teapot gets it..
More little children having nightmares
I f..t in your general direction.
Great backdrop for your stadium
Meanwhile after all the paint had dried we were treated to Memorial day fireworks to which even with my Canon Imp I cannot do justice.
I quickly eschewed the opportunity to become the next puss in baseball boots and have ended up as the Dallas Cowboys honorary mascot driving round in this since I am the only one small enough...
Look at all the space I have to cover
Sharman ...legs like a Texan cheer leader? see acronym below (management will not be responsible for any mis-translation)
And so the non brick lavatory sized nephew gets to handle the ball
Whilst his dad with no thought for the double hernia or Osgood Slatters (I kid you not) sets his stall out to respond
Meanwhile back in the changing locker Leonard "Brick Lavatory" Davis discovers his kit has been pinched by the toilet bandits
You know how I like trail riding and having been a few times I was starting to get a bit too familiar with the trails but this time there was a difference
But it is not pure luck that my brother who was the role model for Terry Scott's song (some of you are way too young) was on Joker who suddenly decided to re-enact key parts of Itsy Bitsy Teeny Weeny Yellow Polka Dot Bikini...you know she was afraid to come out of the "wadre". Apparently he's just not masterful enough, obviously it is me looking back whilst riding off no-handed into the sunset.
Megan was afeared that he would die......til I pointed out he was big enough and daft enough to look after himself
And sure enough, after giving Joker the Laaaaaaaaaazy Eye
Did I tell you about the character that came on the previous ride...well she screeched into the yard hotly pursued by a Southlake policeman and hollered
Y'all wait for me wharl I get me a ticket!Which took 20 minutes because she was trying to chat him up not to give her one (or maybe..)
Anyway 45 miles an hour in a 30 mile an hour zone plus driving without her licence upon her person.. she ended up with just 1 ticket. Bumping into her in the bunkhouse this time she didn't recognise me but started anyway
How tall are you?? How muuuuuuch do you weigh?
Luuuuucks me up and down. Leans over to whisper in a 10 decibel confidential tone
Ar hayd me a colonscopy yisterday.....been shitten for 3 days.
Do you farnd Texans a bit stuck uuup?
And thayts all I have to say about thayt...
And almost finally we are proud grandparents again though they must also all have had colonoscopies given the state of our front porch. There were five of them and they have since flown the nest.
And nearly almost finally this blog is dedicated to:
a - my brother and his family because it was great to be able to give them some Wow in their rain sodden/temporary accommodation world and
b - my friends Neeta (Anita really) and Mandy who have to leave us very soon but have brought their families out here and have embraced all things Texan and given us some great laughs. The picture below is for you.
And really finally. You know when I said I might be a little off the wall after recent events....look what Sleeping Beauty's hench fairies Flora, Fauna and Merryweather persuaded me to have built while P was away..
XXX
