Alligator Shoooooooes

Before the stupendous Shane of Jungle Erv's makes an appearance or at least his floorshow, enter P and S’s not one, not one and half but two walls of fire – ok so a Nissan Sunny with rear spoiler pootling past isn’t quite like Evil catapulting him and his Kamikazi hondazuki through a hoop of fire but nobody told us we would meet this as we trundled along the Tamiami trail (the real Alligator Alley - thanks to Melinda who reminded me of its name). Red Butler get your hose out..





Intermission followed almost immediately by Part 2






And so to water



I am terrified of alligators and snakes and when I really thought about the possibility of being cast into their midst by a giant hairdryer or becoming Ludwig van Beethoven unable to hear them creep upon me it was only the fact that I would have a fantastic fairground ride without having to climb 1600 feet that got me on the airboat. I girded my loins (with factor 15) and fitted my Mickey Mouse ears and settled down at the front next to German lady with a very large zoom lens and no English (I have no German and P hasn’t forgiven them for having better tanks and a jazzier uniform). As we alternately flew then mooched through the waterways…….




Shane (a skinny version of Steve Irwin) proceeded to tell us there are 4 poisonous snakes in the Everglades…2 types of rattler, 1 little thing that apparently has to chew a fleshy bit for 10 minutes to really make an impact (sounds like me when trying to discuss irony with a Texan), and the nastiest of ‘em all The Water Moccasin or Cottonmouth who unlike a rattler will chase you through the water, get its nasty venom into your nervous system and goodnight Minihaha before your cocoa has even developed a skin.

Clearly banned from driving on land at this point Shane performs the aqua version of a combined wheelie handbrake turn, tells P to mind his feet as a wave of muddy, sulphurous, brackish water washes comes through the crack in the side and clean over the top…

“He he heeee. Don’t worry you’ll stop smelling in about a week”

Comforting for a man who gets all unnecessary if he can’t wash before his tea, not to mention the woman who has to drive at least another 70 miles with him in a confined albeit, air conditioned space. Suddenly my Neapolitan sea sponges are assuming the aromatic status of a bucket of Estee Lauder…

And how did Shane seek to distract me from my fears…stop off at an embankment where he knew Archibald the Alligator would perform for a marshmallow puffalump ….




Look what happened to the last marshmallow majorette! !



Ok so it’s a boar's skull. Apparently the Spanish brought the pigs to the area.

Anyway the trip was exhilarating…apparently my eyes lit up like Blackpool illuminations and it is one of the best $70 plus tax I have spent. For once no b..lsh..t just exactly what it said on the packet.

In the car later trying to distract from Monsieur Malodour we spent much of the time trying to think of alligator equivalents of “Never Smile at a Crocodile” and the best two lines I could come up (and you have to really work at the rhythm)

Never Interrogat a Alligator,
Never melt his marshmallow on a radiator

And in case you ever meet one on the Kings Road….alligators can run on dry land at about 20 miles an hour and except for the odd accident with a sponge cake baked by a British woman who can’t get caster sugar in the US they always have 80 teeth.

Ernie Hemingway catch me a marlin I’ll be back for breakfast.