Rather Behind II - Pigs Might Fly

The Texas state fair is the place to experience a serious concentration of Texan family
presided over by the slightly chucky (oops I missed out the l) Big Tex

For those who live locally to me in England it is a cross between Hull Fair which is the old Nottingham Goose Fair minus geese
and Hull Show which is like the great Yorkshire Show but with domestic livestock which in these "chav" ridden days extends from dogs, guinea pigs and rabbits to anacondas and tarantulas. (There is a punch up just waiting to happen there when all the white mice competitors disappear and all the snake competitors have a whacking great digestive smile on their face.)
Anyway, you know the car is King in the US and the TSF is a great opportunity to display it's muscle. This year they introduced two new models, the first being the dinghycar.

followed by the carblaster.

We have to own up and say though that we did sit in a shiny shiny Mazda more horse power than at Kempton races thingy, it was very nice and amazingly we didn't get pestered (maybe word had got round from our last car buying experience that we only had $9000 max to spend).
Apart from the jaunty US Marines band

with the "minciest" marching style you have ever seen; the day was spent roaming from one corn dog stall to another plucking up the courage to try one, being momentarily swayed by the gastronomic chalenge of a chop on a stick.....until we gave up and finished almost eating here until we realised typically it was America's way of proving that Hook a Duck is for Patsies.

We rounded off the day going to see those chops who had been saved from a skewer up the jacksie by volunteering to race against each other.

But we were too late.... the pigs had despite popular conviction flown and because I have realised that the photo is too distant this is the Pig racing arena.

Rather behind 1 - Is Bill there

My eldest brother once asked for an album by the Ozark Mountain Daredevils - at age 11 I was really impressed. Never thought I'd end up in the place from whence they came. It was suggested to us that if we wanted to miss any state out in our quest for the 52 then Arkansas might be it. Given we only had 3 days for this trip then Arkansas was next closest - no choice.
I think it must have been people who don't like the outdoor life e.g. mountains, trees, walking. Everyone say aaaaah. I sat there slightly worried that I would witness hunting for pleasure and Bambi would become blam, blam strawberry jam.



We also desperately needed to see Bill who grew up in our base - Hot Springs. Not a right lot is said about where he was born and given we did stop off there as well to see it's not surprising. The only decent house near the centre of town or else it was spooksville. Bill Clinton was born here. Sorry it doesn't quite line up.

So Hot Springs....it is what it says the place where hot water spouts out of the ground at 100 degrees. And the local water company in its philanthropic wisdom has placed public fountains where the locals can fill up their bottles with the pure mineral water, the company having kindly cooled it down to about 75 degrees fahrenheit first. It takes you by surprise along with the old guy who had about 30 4 pint cartons strung on a piece of string to stop them blowing away while he filled them up! Arkansas was our first experience of rural poverty as opposed to urban street people.

What you see is not the worst, it was difficult to stop to take more when it is patently obvious you are not from "round these parts"..and it feels a tad voyeuristic. Anyway the church is there to bolster them in their days of trial....like every other mile tucked away in remote places and in every form imaginable, it made me wonder whether the Church of Steve (I kid you not) could be the next Waco (I wonder where that is then???). Economists would argue that Arkansas will never be one of the richer states when you can pay $79 for two nights in a motel, ok so it sounded like the road was in the bedroom and the handyman spent most of the time trying to regurgitate his left lung for medical inspection but it was clean.
We came home via Fred Clinton's or is it Bill Flintstone's former seat of power. And he was there launching educational funds. Walking round the state building we bumped
into one of his former aides when he was a local boy...she had seen him recently at a formal dinner and just managed to tell him who from his neighbourhood had died just before the federal gorillas waded in to protect him from her large hairdo and bright red lippy. .......Hilary was relieved....

Oh and did I mention the posse from the local PAC (Prehistoric Age Concern) which had managed to break out on their Harlies and were busy supping milk or sasparilly thru straws. Added to eating pasta in a german oompah style bar while darby and joan danced to the jazz band in their best bib and tucker all in all it was a weekend of
.....well I don't know really.

Next stop Texas State Fair.

Well I'll be....

- Did you see'em?
- What?
- Those funny speaking folk, not from round here and not from Sulphur neither though they smelled it.
- Nope...not heard that kind a talk in these parts since 1867 but me granpappy passed that one down word of mouth and he was a liar...What you do with em?
- Well I gave 'em some of ma BBQ brisket with beans.
- You sure they don't come from Sulphur.
- Yeah I know, thought they was spies for the Wolves of Sulphur checking out our tactics for the game tonight. Didn't want 'em spoiling the only event of the year. Turns out they was hungry and looking for a "kettle"
- A what?
- You heard me...for boiling water, seems they staying in a log cabin in Turner Falls and thought because it had a cooker and fridge, it would, just like everywhere else in the US, have pots and pan's as well.





- Darn stupid.
- Think that's why they went to Sulphur to find one but just came back with a smell hee hee hee hee (loud ding from spittoon).
- Seemed confused that we was serving food, decorating, hairdressing and selling antiques and lavender bags all from the one place.
- Hey I heard the beds in those cabins yawl like a mule when you sit on 'em, can be heard for miles hee hee hee hee (even louder ding from spittoon). Did ya see 'em again.
- Oh yeah did I see, the only people in the restaurant.
- Din't they know it was football.
- Nope. They was trying catfish..big dude like that you'd think he would want the All you can eat for $8. Just pussyfooted about with 3 feyeah instead, and the lil' woman couldn't eat her cornbread and fries neither.

Cut to Turner Falls..catfish wimps in costumes.


We see a small party of people all dressed up in their finery. All leave except one, a lone cowboy. He walks round the falls with a limp, takes off just his hige black ten gallon hat and boots and dives in the pool.

He stands up and peforms the most spectacular green spit in out general direction. Having sucked the remnants back up from his chin, he begins....
- You English? Beautiful here ain' it. Can't do this in Arkansas anymore..come out covered in ticks.
- Yes we are from Yorkshire in England.
- You know a guy called Smith, came from Wales, a soldier?
- Can't say we do.
- That was ma dawter just got married over there near the fall, did ya see it? Her father-in-law is a priest. Ma daddy became a Catholic and his family disowned him. I been reading a book I come from a place near York...Futon do you know it?
- There is a place called Fulton.
- No the book said Futon. Is York a Catholic city? Queen Mary you din't like her much did ya?
- Catholics live there but so do Jews, Protestants, Sikhs and all denominations, we don't have that much segregation by city.
- What's your name?
- Wiles
- What kind of a name is that? Catholic? You related to the Vikings? You know you can never have too many friends. I'm in the Mason's too. Got my leg fixed in hospital by the masons as we din't have much money. They always help ya out. Well been nice talking to ya...

And here's the scenery we came for, plus our newly acquired authentic 1930's log cabin.




The signs to Crystal Cave were that good we ended up here, the sun was beating against the rock and there was no shade. Phil another 6 foot higher suddenly realised that the little crack in the wall which we think was Crystal Cave was a perfect environment for rattlers...we had only climbed about 100 foot we could easily bounce and crash back down.

We also swam in the Blue Pool but by then the batteries had run out.
And yes Sulphur contains what it says on the packet......
Next stop...Hot Springs, Tick Land (Arkansas) and hopefully (ha ha) Hope (birthplace of Clinton) and Little Rock...
I know ...you don't see a blog for ages and then three come along at once.

Freeway, subway....oh yes fairway

Erhmm with respect to the previous blog - San Francisco...sorry to all you golfers. Editors mistake.

If you're going to San Francisco be sure to take a camera everywhere

For the number of folk to whom I have waxed lyrical about our trip to San Francisco I have been pretty tardy about putting up this blog. Sorry. This has in part been due to the fact that we came back absolutely shattered and because we took that many pictures and had that much fun that it is difficult to know what to tell you about without potentially boring you rigid.
We resided at the Monarch Hotel, Geary St. It is a European style hotel which has recently been refurbished. P may not have booked it if he had seen the neighbourhood first, it was truly difficult resisting the adult entertainment centre opposite especially when it was just $7 an hour to watch the lap dancers from your own private room. Not to mention our other Mecca to adult pleasures.


I did consult some friends as to whether I should put this photo up and for those of you disapproving I obviously asked the ones with bad taste. Other than the area the hotel was clean but there was no coffee in the room and the breakfast is additional.
Close by there was an Edinburgh Castle pub but trust me, not even the lad from Fife Mr Hynd would venture in there, the password was a grunt, plus a flash of your scar and gold teeth.
SF is fresh, cool and still v hippy but with an intelligent speed so there is not a huge amount of jesting material, occasionally we found our own….
The second one I thought was a new branch of the Yorkshire Bank..



There are great views at every turn. Central SF from Russian Hill, view from the top of Coit Tower (Russian Hill) which was followed by another hair-raising ride down Telegraph Hill, Phil in Alamo Square with the Victorian painted ladies and SF city view in the background, Bay Bridge and Pier 29.







Here I got a sudden rush of work sickness so got a photograph which I may use as a screensaver to remind me of all my work colleagues. The publicity says that you are extremely noisy (understatement of the year) and smelly (possibly after conferences).

The highlights were…Cycling over Golden Gate Bridge to…..



Sausalito, which is Italian Alps in flavour

And Tiberon where Sharon Stone apparently has a property, the rest of the residents looked that old they would make great props at US Halloween party…It was like Toy Town or Camberwick Green…not a spot of muck on the Fire Engine or Patrol just shiny shiny bells and paintwork.

You then catch the ferry back having cycled lots of kilometres and the view of SF is spectacular.

We cycled the bridge twice, second time in an attempt to get to Muir Woods..We stopped two thirds of the way up the photo is halfway looking out over the valley (has to be said said in Welsh accent). We freewheeled all the way back down and I didn’t realize just how high we had climbed despite what my legs and lungs had been telling me for the previous hour. It was exhilarating especially as being barmy English we didn’t wear hats. By the way I cannot exthol enough the benefits of a wide, gel seat.

We did culture too, going to the DeYoung Museum of Art in Golden Gate which has a top floor 360 degree viewing lobby which is just spectacular. I also tried to get with the artistic flow.





Then we went sporty and played a round of pitch and putt. It had been 30 years since I had wielded a golf stick. Last time was Sewerby Park near Bridlington, with my dear old dad who managed to slice a ball into the flamingo compound of the children’s zoo. I also followed him in true style hitting a branch of a tree 8ft above the point I struck the ball. Raargh I was as awesome as Tiger Woods and as effective as “Frosties” Tony the Tiger…It was the only branch on that side of the tree….accuracy was all. The best bit was watching everybody duck as the ball went into free fall pin ball machine mode between club, branch, tree and floor. I must have hit the ball hard as even Phil ducked and he was 50 yards ahead on the other side of the freeway doing a David Bellamy impersonation.
And so to the Trolley buses, they are wonderful to ride and the trolley men are as sarky as any New York taxi driver.


The other great tourist attraction was Alcatraz.. I picked the evening tour on our last night so we would see it partly in daylight and then once inside dusk would be coming in. What a sense of hopelessness there must have been for many men.




And apart from our burgeoning property acquisition business,




I momentarily considered branching out into this profession, then remembered all the POOH
and was worried I might have to deal with owners who prefer their pedigree to go about in luxury only.

Laugh we nearly crashed our bikes …xx