Why did the chicken cross the road?

Tiring of Naples’ millionaire’s row hotels we needed to redress the balance so en route to Key West we stayed here in Tavernier just beyond Key Largo and Humphrey Bogart territory. Which was a little run down we thought.




It had all the usual luxuries…collapsed drawers and cacophonous air con but the view from the sun deck was as follows:



We were both overtired from wrestling with marshmallows and a future Gucci handbag so it did.

The remainder of the journey to Key West was….blue and spattered with bridges:





I knew Jamie Lee Curtis hanging from a helicopter after slaying the Persian artefact pirate was real life (True Lies), and now she advertises pro-biotic yoghurt as a way of saying she is gracefully if not digestively succumbing to old age



And the road went ever on



Until a stop at Bahia Honda which was in Florida blog no 1. But in case you forgot and still don’t believe it’s that blue:



Here photographic disaster nearly ensued plus the end of my life…not trusting another Yankee looking photographic expert(see Florida blog 1) to take a photo of us against the blue background I decided to test my Sony Imp’s timer by balancing it on an old crate (not my idea) which was wedged in a tree and then running to stand with P. But I caught the branch, almost caught the camera but it then landed lens down in the sand. Furious blowing ensued and some heart wrenching moments as a few grains crackled as the lens retracted….suffice to say if I had included the subsequent photo that was the culprit..and which features P’s copious sunburn…he would have sold me as bait at a water moccasin convention.

And so to Key West…how can you sum it up in a phrase…well the one in the ladies’ toilet of the Schooner Wharf bar is a good start…

“Don’t sweat the petty things just pet the sweaty things”

Additionally Key West is known as the Conch Republic and in 1986 when the US government blockaded the Keys because of Cuban migrant issues it seceded from the Union, declared war on the Federal government, surrendered and then applied for international aid!

Let’s here it for the little people and wonky lamp-posts



This is the best way to see Key West but I have never ridden a fix wheel bike...I wore out my pumps!



Parking is metered at the same rate as Kensington and Chelsea.

Remembering our priorities – booming property portfolio first





Stopping off for a lunchtime Margarita in the Schooner Wharf bar




and to check out marine type assets


Ancient



And modern



Then time to re-fuel with proper Jamaican Jerk chicken and Red Stripe at the Blue Heaven



Which had this running round the yard



practising his stud muffin skills on all the females also in the yard...Not good as you sink your teeth into one of his spiced up former conquests.

Here comes some more culture and education



Key West is the southernmost point of the US



Key West is the origin of the “why did the chicken cross the road jokes



Ernest Hemingway had a home here,



which he also offered as a haven to cats and the society still does. Some of them have the genetic mutation of five toes..it can’t be seen that well here but on the left front paw if you look closely you can just see it peeping out the back.



According to the guide who seemed to look like and drink the same amount of whiskey out of a hip flask as his hero



Hemingway appears to have loved a number of women and also for me had an unhealthy obsession with birthing stools> Also check out the lino! He was one of Picasso's pals.



And for those of you who thought I was just a “wild” child…Charlie Dimmock wear your vest out….










Florida is almost done but here is a community announcement:-

When in strange places always check your tuffet before sitting down in case you encounter one of these



Sharman

PS - I did go back the next night to get another shot but I didn’t cry this time

Alligator Shoooooooes

Before the stupendous Shane of Jungle Erv's makes an appearance or at least his floorshow, enter P and S’s not one, not one and half but two walls of fire – ok so a Nissan Sunny with rear spoiler pootling past isn’t quite like Evil catapulting him and his Kamikazi hondazuki through a hoop of fire but nobody told us we would meet this as we trundled along the Tamiami trail (the real Alligator Alley - thanks to Melinda who reminded me of its name). Red Butler get your hose out..





Intermission followed almost immediately by Part 2






And so to water



I am terrified of alligators and snakes and when I really thought about the possibility of being cast into their midst by a giant hairdryer or becoming Ludwig van Beethoven unable to hear them creep upon me it was only the fact that I would have a fantastic fairground ride without having to climb 1600 feet that got me on the airboat. I girded my loins (with factor 15) and fitted my Mickey Mouse ears and settled down at the front next to German lady with a very large zoom lens and no English (I have no German and P hasn’t forgiven them for having better tanks and a jazzier uniform). As we alternately flew then mooched through the waterways…….




Shane (a skinny version of Steve Irwin) proceeded to tell us there are 4 poisonous snakes in the Everglades…2 types of rattler, 1 little thing that apparently has to chew a fleshy bit for 10 minutes to really make an impact (sounds like me when trying to discuss irony with a Texan), and the nastiest of ‘em all The Water Moccasin or Cottonmouth who unlike a rattler will chase you through the water, get its nasty venom into your nervous system and goodnight Minihaha before your cocoa has even developed a skin.

Clearly banned from driving on land at this point Shane performs the aqua version of a combined wheelie handbrake turn, tells P to mind his feet as a wave of muddy, sulphurous, brackish water washes comes through the crack in the side and clean over the top…

“He he heeee. Don’t worry you’ll stop smelling in about a week”

Comforting for a man who gets all unnecessary if he can’t wash before his tea, not to mention the woman who has to drive at least another 70 miles with him in a confined albeit, air conditioned space. Suddenly my Neapolitan sea sponges are assuming the aromatic status of a bucket of Estee Lauder…

And how did Shane seek to distract me from my fears…stop off at an embankment where he knew Archibald the Alligator would perform for a marshmallow puffalump ….




Look what happened to the last marshmallow majorette! !



Ok so it’s a boar's skull. Apparently the Spanish brought the pigs to the area.

Anyway the trip was exhilarating…apparently my eyes lit up like Blackpool illuminations and it is one of the best $70 plus tax I have spent. For once no b..lsh..t just exactly what it said on the packet.

In the car later trying to distract from Monsieur Malodour we spent much of the time trying to think of alligator equivalents of “Never Smile at a Crocodile” and the best two lines I could come up (and you have to really work at the rhythm)

Never Interrogat a Alligator,
Never melt his marshmallow on a radiator

And in case you ever meet one on the Kings Road….alligators can run on dry land at about 20 miles an hour and except for the odd accident with a sponge cake baked by a British woman who can’t get caster sugar in the US they always have 80 teeth.

Ernie Hemingway catch me a marlin I’ll be back for breakfast.

Woody the Woodpecker meets Mad Dog in "The Vices of CSI Miami"

So now we have flora, fauna and human intervention in Miami and Naples. Though I need to point out Melinda ….you may wish to skip the Naples bits seeing as how you spend half your life there apparently!

I didn’t bump into her she e-mailed to point out that her mum and dad sit on the pier at Naples most evenings.

I need to go near somewhere seedy, lets see who claims to have been to that little piece of the world then huh dude.

Because this still astounds me I have to include pictures of Miami and say once again there are no photographic touch ups ….the sky really is this blue






And as you might expect we had to pick up a bijou residence here

“Key” side



Beach side




A note while I remember for CSI Miami lovers…Horatio is not able to hum across the Keys at speed in case he knocks any Key Deer down (didn’t see any) speeding laws are very strictly applied which is why it takes 3 hours to do 153 miles (Miami to Key West).

I include the next photo for those CSI Miami lovers (it is as regular as the 9 (10?) o’clock news in England).



Sorry no Callie she was soaking her pants wth Persil White and sharpening that nasal twang on a state of the art lathe. I have just received news also that Eric was busy removing a Steinway grand and a Venetian Murano chandelier from the stomach of an alligator on Boca Chica Key (which is Spanish for Big Mouth well it would have to be wouldn't it).

We stayed at the Hotel Deauville in Miami North Beach – it is a consummate Art Deco building and the blurb says that various members of the rat pack stayed there. We just saw someone trying out their drag costume before nipping down to the annual drag queen street dash in Key West where the higher the heels the greater the seconds rewards added to your time…unfortunately we missed it and P had packed his best lilac chemise.



The hotel was an impressive building along with the valet service fees and we did half expect to learn that the rat pack had been cryogenically interfered with and stored in the jammed lift which clearly had not been part of the extensive renovation work.

And if you think the hotels here can clean your pockets out that is nothing compared with South Miami beach which is more referred to as the Art deco district. With such a concentration of it I was half expecting Noel Coward to round a corner in his cravat and dressing gown, cigarette with holder at a jaunty angle whistling Mad Dogs and Englishmen.





The beaches here are so nice that you can laze all day and get thoroughly burned, photographs not supplied……or register at the beach club complete with harem style double bunk beds…and not a single Don Johnson style grease ball in site only some dodgy English looking bloke.



Apparently most of Miami waterfront from the early 1900s was built using Mafia money. I have no idea if this is true but if constructions reflect power and strength then it probably isn’t a good idea to mess with these guys.




And other than the wing mirror I really like this one…



Scale applies to the cruise business too.



Now we are off to Naples (Florida) via

0547

Which is a misnomer since there is a lower route whose number escapes me, it is minus the fences and all kinds of wildlife will wander across your path.






Naples is termed the playground of the rich and it would appear of the old established family kind (Melinda you kept that quiet). No evidence of the currently estimated $3 trillion debt in the US – though it could be another dollop of the proverbial mentioned in my emotional blog…I am sorry my chest is irritated by another b…sh.t issue wishing to escape…
All the cafes here advertise free wi fi internet access but it turns out “they all happen to sit within range of a business just across the road who has it but ultimately the message burned on my screen “no networks found in range” surely means that the dollops are not just aimed at foreigners or they really are self delusional and I am not becoming paranoid….much.

We stayed in the only traditional motel remaining in Old Naples - The Mariner. Melinda will know it well….Here I had one of my juvenile moments (just the one I hear you say). A woodpecker alighted on a tree which was exciting enough but then flew to the wooden beams which are part of the décor and proceeded to do its drilling thing and really really they do look like Woody Woodpecker and I had to sing, thus I missed the snap…



I believe the desk clerk at the Mariner really loves the idea that this cooky gem of a place must really wind up the real estate developers and realty agents because it limits the addition of another 0 to the price tag of the surrounding buildings




P’s favourite



The entrance to mine



The motel was a little more than we normally pay which did not reflect in the internal décor. The "sayloon" style doors you see into the kitchen had a "My Little Pony" jewellery box padlock which needed unlocking special like....clearly they only expected your average 280lb american to stay without a hope in hell of crawling through the 3 foot gap at the bottom.



But we were 30 yards from the beach where we spent a whole morning beach combing




and wandering past very expensive windcheaters and slacks not to mention







Oh and an ex forces guy with the top bit of his right ear missing (it’s hard not to be fascinated like a child even tho’ your mum brought you up proper) who thought he might end his widower days doing 150 miles an hour on an autobahn in a Lamborghini.

I brought back lots of shells and some pink sponge and just like the bucket shaped watery coffin under the caravan at Limekiln Lane, Bridlington, east Yorkshire, which housed the single microscopic crab I dare pick up aged six (my age, the crab was from the catatonic age) …it stank to high heaven….My treasure trove has been consigned to the balcony and I have to keep changing the water even though I was not the one who picked up a shell with a live snail in it and with which we cohabited for 2 days! Like our tomato plants and sunflowers the shells will soon be bleaching in the sun, about 3 pm this afternoon.

And so to my Steve Irwin phase…