Country Rose take me home

We had this feeling that from May onwards the summer would shoot by and before the Smith & Wesson could be reloaded it would be September. And so it has been I am starting this blog on the eve of the topic of the next blog. So I will forgo the Wagner Ring Cycle approach and add just a few stories to the pictures.

Oh the title by the way is because like I have been singing "Eating Trifle" by the Jam for years, P has been singing "Country Rose Take me Home" ...and we didn't even get to West Virginia. Anyway..

Jamestown earlier than the Pilgrim Fathers and evidence there is competition amongst heritage trade to be the “oldest”.

Given the potential dental bills (See previous blog) our choice of real estate has taken a down turn

But once he has paid for the first crown maybe we could consider



And I am making the effort with more hard wearing outfits

But if we default at the dentist, here is our escape vehicle..only 140 days back to Blighty

How big?

Then this man came and said he was from the Dentist and if we didn't pay up he could do this


And while he completed the "thirdy toooooooo separaate operashuns" it takes to re-load the darn thing we high tailed it to Williamsburg only to be met by the big boys dental debt collection service



And our own firing squad



We went in search of a last supper......

Ye Oldy ENGLISH Towny Pubby

Enter authentic female maidservant with guitar (her lute was in for repair).

In a quite well spoken voice with just the odd twang:

“I am gonna sing for you (a very English pronunciation of you, mind) a song which is based on the fact that beer came down in prarce because the prarce of barley dropped and the man is very happy. And you see they used these coins called ayngels and French crowns so you see the beer came down from an ayngel to a French crown because barley goes into beer you know”

Clearing of throat…

Ye oldy worldy strumming of the strings and from the lily white throat of said minstrel bursts the voice of ……………
…HILDA BAKER

“Oh happeeeeeee I am for beer has come down from the prarce of an ayayayayayayayayngel to a FRRRRRRench Crowowowowowowowown

“Joyne in everybody”

But only if your Arthur Mullard surely?

S to P - Don't laugh, don't look at me, look away, look away, drink ye oldy English fruity punchy not noticing ye oldy english honey beeyeeyeeyeeyeeyeeyeeyeeyeeyee into the bargain.

And so to our punishment for mocking…

- missing a black bear as we commenced the Skyline Drive through the Shenandoahs, also known as the Blue Ridge Mountains.

- having a dead camera battery as a raccoon sauntered past me outside the restaurant kitchen, whistling and sporting his swag bag and burglar mask

- the very same raccoon that wandered into our room looking for diamonds or cookies muttering “Evenin” to P in a jaunty cockney burglar accent. P almost answered him, then thought he was a cat and finally did a Lee Evans shuffle of his feet so the Norman Stanley Fletcher of the Shenandoahs disappeared while I was juggling the camera.

But we got these





Set against the backdrop of






The forests were almost deserted



This is a reflection in the water I was not looking upward



And the flora and the fauna










I shudder to think...

We did some climbing



...if you can't say a anything nice don't say anything at all!



The front is a bit of an improvement


and when we got to the top



Some pottering in waterfalls







And some running away when we were suddenly reminded where we were




P was not allowed to run he had to take the pictures while Roisin went in search of a portable defibrillator for me (I am terrified of snakes). She resorted to mixing up some of the strange fauna I showed you earlier and feeding it to me via a jam sandwich. My heart slowed to normal about 1 hour later.

And as the sun sets over the Shenandoahs





Remind me to tell you some time about the theatre director from DC who found the smell of skunk a huge turn on.....

"Girl" drowns happy in Yorkshire sweetie factory

Ok so this blog is being written before the next local Texas story crops up which may be within the next 5 minutes, headlined “Texas dentist drills for oil in Brit’s head”. P has been forced to visit a local dentist to check out a loose crown (I told my friends his crown had slipped…). While completing the question on the encyclopaedic registration form, “Do you still have your wisdom teeth, if so why?” he answered “WHY NOT?”

I may see you all permanently much quicker than planned.

I had meant to follow up much quicker after NYC but thought it prudent for you to recover from that monumental offering. To warm you up here is a short snapshot from those other hotbeds of internationalism ……Hull, Cardiff and Whitby.

You all seem remarkably buoyant given the price of fish, butter and whippet food and the shutting of 30 pubs a week (is that true?). This phenomenon has not hit the good old Wellington and various “residents” who have now taken up a PhD in physics and most specifically the thesis title “Cripes! Has 6 months really passed since we were last supping a Kriek - an analysis of where time goes when one is not paying attention” .

My hedge has attempted to redress the stratospheric imbalance caused by the destruction of the rain forest and the redcurrants appear to have thrived better than when tended. And a number of my closely cherished family myths were dashed:

1 During a visit to The Deep my mum revealed that they too had kept a tank full of jellyfish as kids when I had thought they had a green budgie called Joey and a 4 minute mile chicken called Christmas Lunch.

2 My mum used to be a nurse and all the time she had been a frustrated urban and river regeneration planner – declaring from the café in The Deep – that it was disgusting that they were doing nothing with all that water (The River Humber)

3 Mum again - That it was very nice that we all came to see her and spend time with her but sometimes she wished we’d all “Just Sod Off” – a phrase she never used to use.

4 My children only half appreciated the puddings I gave them as kids – they broke into hysterical laughter when I discovered and then developed a guilty conscience over the fact that they I appeared to have been force feeding them ginger pudding and custard for YEARS.



I hope those of you that remember the photographs of them I used during student records demonstrations have just fallen off your chairs...but please don't say haven't they grown because that was a phrase my parents friends used of me when factually I never HAD or DID!

But I'm not bitter...

A day in Whitby in the rain and stopping off at Fimber tea shack with the bikers reminded me of why I am so sure that I am English and despite petrol prices and lack of sunshine…



What do you call a collection of Morris men on a Whitby beach.....



A Morris Major.....Sorry

It was just unfortunate that P texted when he did to ask if I was eating fish and chips since he had said before I left the US that if I did I couldn’t come back to Texas. In for a penny in for a pound I also let slip about the Yorkshire curd cheesecake.

Oh and the shortage of sherbert pips, sherbert lemons, spearmint chews, midget gems and wine gums is all my fault sorry. Well you have to do something on humungous road trips.

And then it was to Cardiff with an evening drive down and some cloud formations and skies as good as Texas



And to moving Roisin from one flat to another on the one day it was like a Texas summer and she had omitted to tell me that the new place was 4 flights up. During this time I:

- cornered a skunk smelling bath mat in between 2 bin bags

- sent Rentokil into liquidation by buying their entire stack of rat poison

- performed the “strength twang and twist test” on the piece of string and screw suspending the shower curtain rail

- tested out the light which had been sellotaped to the ceiling at an angle perfect to illuminate the dartboard the previous occupants had left

- checked Roisin's means of escape in the event of a fire which is, to slide down one roof onto the roof of the building below. Failing that, she could see if her Imelda Marcos collection of shoes would dampen the flames long enough for the firemen checking out the fire fighting practices in the LAP DANCING club across the road, to hear the screams.

- Went to a pub that out the back had a Bedouin tent with red chaser lights.........well I think I did



Ah, here is P, what price the penalty for sarcasm on official forms …….

- a completely essential crown replacement $3,000, if he is not to look like Knobby Stiles until Xmas

- WOW Mr Dentist has never seen fillings that big and there is decay so crowns would be better $3,000 each ………

- And the incidentals….

And I cannot bring myself to calculate the total

Yours having just fused the calculator with bitter tears while trying to work out what 20% would be of the total I can’t bring myself to tote……

P.S. I wonder if I could sell my blog to a publisher

PPS it was lovely to see "Y'all" even mum who “nobody appreciates anyway”

PPPS Bryan have you got the builders in yet? I expect a reproduction of Buckingham Palace at Xmas.

The Big Apple

Sorry Peeps for the delay but it all started when stocks of Ribena, tea and Fruit Fibre began to run low and there was no choice but to go hunting. In a flash of inspiration we decided that the more cosmopolitan east coast may contain our provisions, thus eliminating the need for a bumpy canoe trip across the Big Pond.
Being the location of the largest immigrant population we made base camp in Brooklyn
opposite the fire station .
Some of the girls who know me will know my thing about firemen…(but please in case this is sowing a seed…it will hit drought I don't do male strippers…that is definitely under any circumstances …not my thing).

Venturing for food we came across a hostelry run by a clown (Grimaldi) but as we reached for the door handle (not like it was a piece or anything)
- Hey wot you doin? Get in line! So we stood in with the other refugees
- You got cash? No cards d'ya hear me?????????????
- Then this bloke stood over us and was very insistent that we enjoy his food .
We waited for one of his previous guests to turn up again to say Grace but got distracted by a glass of wine cascading over a customer ...nobody batted an eyelid. And before we knew it Mr Grimaldi’s pizza was gone.
Mooching down to the pier for a lovely sunset I would say that my heart pounded with excitement rather than that which the picture suggests……I'm swear P knew.....
Going across the bridge it was very nice to be met by a sign and angel
As with any city the hicks just need to keep their wits about them so when we wandered into this subway station to catch the train that night it took us a while to realise that BH stood for BULLET HOLES not Borough Hall..


The next day we tried to see a man about some cash but he threatened to bury us in a hole called Ground Zero So we contemplated going fishing but got distracted again Until my ring of confidence slipped..
.
It was nice to see a little of the old times rubbing ankles with the new Then we had this bright idea to go across on a ferry to an island to see if Candy was in...
She wasn’t but we got some very good if slightly puzzling advice while there
and the view on the way back
You know the locals had gone to a lot of trouble to fix the place up real pretty like:
I had to stop me in the middle of the road ta git this one…


We then discovered where all New York taxis go to meet and eat while there are those who love our planet but have a pragmatic approach to bike theft.
Suddenly at Washington Square we remembered to add chocolate digestives to the list
And for a minute we thought we had turned up at his house
Having spent much of the day in Greenwich looking for something called mean time and having walked solidly for 8 hours we could almost have been sitting looking out over the Thames except it was New Jersey .
Now I haven’t at this stage told you about the cramped conditions which we had to endure, well me not quite so much..... No wonder the locals spend so much time out..
We thought we might be nearer to finding the tea at least when we came across this but the queue for the tea was huge so we decided to return the following day. We thought it prudent to take a few more pictures in case we couldn’t find it again especially some if its distinguishing features
Then I had this really good idea that we could transfer people and tea across the Big Pond via blimps which are greener and this could be the landing point for them to get off and come to the new world…but P said it had already been tried and failed because sitting under a giant cigarette lighter hadn’t appealed.

Given the eccentricities of the English we were convinced some nutty lord with chests of tea might be living in here then seeing this for some reason we thought it was Swiss and added DECENT chocolate to the list….
We came across more fancy fixings , until it dawned on us we should be planning the next stage of our journey
We thought we had stumbled into ballroom and then we realised setting off from here we would end up in entirely the wrong direction
Suddenly we thought the world had come together in one glorious harmonious peace loving, religion respecting place since when would this ever happen
Ouch my tongue is missing and my cheek has developed a bulge... Oh look we were outside the place where some people are trying to point out that we are not quite there yet and that in this place there are people still trying to make it happen.
The path is very winding
And some may think they have wandered into the Tower of Babel so I have an alternative plan.... We re-name this the Security Blanket Chamber and it will be where we:
1 Teach people to make sure their nearest and dearest have a security blanket
2 Teach that security blankets come in all shapes, sizes and colours
3 Teach that no-one laughs when someone reaches for their security blanket when there is a spider in the bath and especially when dyslexic, geographically challenged, god botherers or sloppy Koran skim readers reach for the red button
4 Teach people to share their security blanket
5 Teach people to recognise the difference between a kalashnikov and a security blanket
6 Ensure that the washing instructions for the security blanket are in every language and are accompanied by tips on how to temporarily remove said blanket for laundering without causing World War III
7 Teach adults to let go of the security blanket in a safe way so they don't feel the need to resort to monetary, land , fuel and food domination strategies as a subsitute.

And as a reminder despite the arduousness of the task the United Nations keeps this scarified statue that fell forward into the ground and was quite a way from the centre of the blast at Hiroshima The front remained in tact
In case you thought I had got too serious or pompous at this point sorry; you will be pleased to know I got desperately disappointed because neither Ilya Kuriachin (???) or Robert Vaughan burst in here to save Mr President
so I had to resort to “da da da da da, da da da da da, …boodely boo, boodely boo, boodley boo, na na ….
Ok check out the more modern version http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZSGVCEOjIlQ
but you will have to cut and paste as I can't get links to work. And lest we should forget how all the little creatures of the world can suffer, just outside the building

And at the end of a concrete ridden day we came to commune with a few of them
But then Petula Clark gave us a call we couldn’t ignore
and whilst I don’t normally like in your face advertising, these kept my attention for a nanosecond
Day 4 just like the phrase the early englishman catches the teabag we were back at the empire building looking for tea. Strange we got sent straight to the top floor in a lift. Still no tea but wow despite the mistiness , . - Come on now Jess up you go with the little parcel no need to be afraid now(said Chuckie disguised as Postman Pat)
How many big yellow taxis can you get in a Joni Mitchell song?
Then the DDT got too much so we headed for the tree museum



Queue Peter Kay’s dinner ladies
- It’s spitting, everybody in!
And it kept coming... so an impromptu concert
And as the theme from Titanic kicked in as the waters rose

Enter stage left, come down on a tablet of stone....the three year old
- This is God’s doin, we're all gonna die!”
Enter Sharman with Hilda Baker (You Tube it Junior) voice
- Actually it was an iceberg…(strangely on both counts, the boat and the increase in water in case you thought I had gone off on one).

Then it stops and you look like this
Then it rains again
So we give up on the tea business and go into money laundering……literally.
.
And so to Day 5 ..if someone had told me there was an Egyptian temple in their front room I would have laughed..This wowed me in 2001 and still does now!

Then I was lost for words.. (no I hear you say). It’s amazing what you can whittle when you have time on your hands.
Unfortunately having got distracted by the intimacy of the Frick museum, frustrated by the Guggenheim (it was shut for renovation) we didn’t have a lot of time at the monumental Metropolitan Museum of Art and when it closed here we were again …shame.

Trust me we are nearly there, I had now given up any chance of tea and ribena so was contemplating the big Pond Paddle…but first a trip to try to find out why our Texan compatriots had chucked what we desperately sought in the sea and managed to end up an independent nation.

Day 6 – Philadelphia …
home of the non-weight conscious cheesecake maker…oh and this
As with Plymouth Rock (see Boston blog) they appear to have been a tad careless.

The highlight ...Gus…the Sammy Davis Jnr of National Park Rangers and one of our heroes because he stood and recited, from memory, the whole of Abraham Lincoln’s speech when Kansas had just joined the Union and they were trying to look for ways to resolve differences to avoid Civil War…We were spellbound and he deserved a medal a as a national treasure too.

And finally…Day 7

Home to and Nathan’s world famous Hot dog eating competition …current champion 66 hot dogs in 12 minutes …. Also and the ultimate in 50’s run down kitsch



the Freak is human…the ammunition paint… That’s one end, the other is known as

and I kid you not when I say not a word of English spoken or advertised at all

We had lunch in Tatiana’s where:
1 you had to turn to the back page to get to the English
2 P asked the waitress for water and got napkins
3 A scout party from the Petrograd Retired Ladies Weightlifting Team (class of 62) were ordering buckets of beetroot borscht and vodka in equal amounts
4 you went down the stairs to the toilets where it was a cross between a Stalin showcase, new money and a Mafia Whorehouse with minders adding up their takings and eyeballing you if you lingered too long looking through the office door too much.
5 The Marlboro light man has had a successful advertising campaign swapping boots and hat for a bearskin and cossack outfit
Then
As I took this picture…Large Tatiana booms behind me

- She VARY pretty Laydy NO? HA HA

and slaps me on the back into the middle of next week. When I turn round SHE IS THE MODEL FOR THE DUMMY!
…was this a sick commemorative poster for the cosy Vodka, Spam and Hob Nobs summit at Yalta 1945?

A recuperating coffee in Starbucks was rudely interrupted when a Russian Baboushka, the spit of the witch in Snow White only 6 inches smaller and in requisite apron and headscarf, turned round on a sixpence with her shopping trolley and eyeballed me while proffering a beetroot made up to look like a Canadian Red Delicious...suddenly I was aged 4 climbing over the back seat at the Dorchester cinema scattering Kia Ora to the Four Winds …see some things just never go away do they?

And all the time P was muttering under his breath
- McCarthy would be turning in his grave.

And we discussed the fact that everyone is scared that the old Coney Island would be lost in development plans; that whatever the declared legitimacy of the investment money, the new Cyrillic writing brotherhood could not resist a reminder of old home as witnessed by the regimented albeit stylish apartment blocks festooned with expensive cars and Russian orthodox style furnishings.

Oh and in case we forget this is what Coney Island is famous for…though there was the odd place I nearly fell through so beware Coney Island Metropolitan District Council you are playing into the developers' hands…

Last evening in Brooklyn..
And at the risk of breaching trade, copyright (remember this is the US)
So no tea found, nor Ribena shucks I guess I’ll have to get ma canoe out. Unfortunately it is only one person in size so I have to leave P behind to return to Fort Worth…
When I do get back to blighty if you ever visit me this will be the warning in my kitchen with the addition of “cos of ma food!”
.
Birds’nest soup anybody?

xxxx