may contain our provisions, thus eliminating the need for a bumpy canoe trip across the Big Pond. Being the location of the largest immigrant population we made base camp in Brooklyn
opposite the fire station
. Some of the girls who know me will know my thing about firemen…(but please in case this is sowing a seed…it will hit drought I don't do male strippers…that is definitely under any circumstances …not my thing).
Venturing for food we came across a hostelry run by a clown (Grimaldi) but as we reached for the door handle (not like it was a piece or anything)
- Hey wot you doin? Get in line! So we stood in with the other refugees
- You got cash? No cards d'ya hear me?????????????
- Then this bloke stood over us and was very insistent that we enjoy his food
. We waited for one of his previous guests
to turn up again to say Grace but got distracted by a glass of wine cascading over a customer ...nobody batted an eyelid. And before we knew it Mr Grimaldi’s pizza was gone. Mooching down to the pier for a lovely sunset
I would say that my heart pounded with excitement rather than that which the picture suggests……I'm swear P knew..... 
Going across the bridge it was very nice to be met by a sign
and angel 
As with any city the hicks just need to keep their wits about them so when we wandered into this subway station
to catch the train that night it took us a while to realise that BH stood for BULLET HOLES not Borough Hall..
The next day we tried to see a man about some cash
but he threatened to bury us in a hole called Ground Zero 
So we contemplated going fishing but got distracted again 
Until my ring of confidence slipped..
. It was nice to see a little of the old times rubbing ankles with the new
Then we had this bright idea to go across on a ferry to an island to see if Candy was in... 
She wasn’t but we got some very good if slightly puzzling advice while there
and the view on the way back
You know the locals had gone to a lot of trouble to fix the place up real pretty like:
I had to stop me in the middle of the road ta git this one…
We then discovered where all New York taxis go to meet and eat
while there are those who love our planet but have a pragmatic approach to bike theft. 
Suddenly at Washington Square we remembered to add chocolate digestives to the list
And for a minute we thought we had turned up at his house
Having spent much of the day in Greenwich looking for something called mean time and having walked solidly for 8 hours we could almost have been sitting looking out over the Thames except it was New Jersey
. Now I haven’t at this stage told you about the cramped conditions which we had to endure, well me not quite so much.....
No wonder the locals spend so much time out.. We thought we might be nearer to finding the tea at least when we came across this
but the queue for the tea was huge so we decided to return the following day. We thought it prudent to take a few more pictures in case we couldn’t find it again 
especially some if its distinguishing features 
Then I had this really good idea that we could transfer people and tea across the Big Pond via blimps which are greener and this could be the landing point for them to get off and come to the new world…but P said it had already been tried and failed because sitting under a giant cigarette lighter hadn’t appealed.
Given the eccentricities of the English we were convinced some nutty lord with chests of tea might be living in here
then seeing this for some reason we thought it was Swiss and added DECENT chocolate to the list…. 
We came across more fancy fixings
, 
until it dawned on us we should be planning the next stage of our journey 
We thought we had stumbled into ballroom
and then we realised setting off from here we would end up in entirely the wrong direction 
Suddenly we thought the world had come together in one glorious harmonious peace loving, religion respecting place since when would this ever happen
Ouch my tongue is missing and my cheek has developed a bulge... Oh look we were outside the place where some people are trying to point out that we are not quite there yet
and that in this place there are people still trying to make it happen. 
The path is very winding
And some may think they have wandered into the Tower of Babel so I have an alternative plan.... We re-name this the Security Blanket Chamber and it will be where we:
1 Teach people to make sure their nearest and dearest have a security blanket
2 Teach that security blankets come in all shapes, sizes and colours
3 Teach that no-one laughs when someone reaches for their security blanket when there is a spider in the bath and especially when dyslexic, geographically challenged, god botherers or sloppy Koran skim readers reach for the red button
4 Teach people to share their security blanket
5 Teach people to recognise the difference between a kalashnikov and a security blanket
6 Ensure that the washing instructions for the security blanket are in every language and are accompanied by tips on how to temporarily remove said blanket for laundering without causing World War III
7 Teach adults to let go of the security blanket in a safe way so they don't feel the need to resort to monetary, land , fuel and food domination strategies as a subsitute.
And as a reminder despite the arduousness of the task the United Nations keeps this scarified statue
that fell forward into the ground and was quite a way from the centre of the blast at Hiroshima The front remained in tact 
In case you thought I had got too serious or pompous at this point sorry; you will be pleased to know I got desperately disappointed because neither Ilya Kuriachin (???) or Robert Vaughan burst in here to save Mr President
so I had to resort to “da da da da da, da da da da da, …boodely boo, boodely boo, boodley boo, na na ….
Ok check out the more modern version http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZSGVCEOjIlQ
but you will have to cut and paste as I can't get links to work. And lest we should forget how all the little creatures of the world can suffer, just outside the building
And at the end of a concrete ridden day we came to commune with a few of them
But then Petula Clark gave us a call we couldn’t ignore
and whilst I don’t normally like in your face advertising, these kept my attention for a nanosecond
Day 4 just like the phrase the early englishman catches the teabag we were back at the empire building looking for tea. Strange we got sent straight to the top floor in a lift. Still no tea but wow despite the mistiness
, 
. - Come on now Jess up you go with the little parcel no need to be afraid now(said Chuckie disguised as Postman Pat) 
How many big yellow taxis can you get in a Joni Mitchell song?
Then the DDT got too much so we headed for the tree museum
Queue Peter Kay’s dinner ladies
- It’s spitting, everybody in!
And it kept coming... so an impromptu concert
And as the theme from Titanic kicked in as the waters rose
Enter stage left, come down on a tablet of stone....the three year old
- This is God’s doin, we're all gonna die!”
Enter Sharman with Hilda Baker (You Tube it Junior) voice
- Actually it was an iceberg…(strangely on both counts, the boat and the increase in water in case you thought I had gone off on one).
Then it stops and you look like this
Then it rains again
So we give up on the tea business and go into money laundering……literally.
. And so to Day 5 ..if someone had told me there was an Egyptian temple in their front room I would have laughed..This wowed me in 2001 and still does now!
Then I was lost for words..
(no I hear you say). It’s amazing what you can whittle when you have time on your hands. Unfortunately having got distracted by the intimacy of the Frick museum, frustrated by the Guggenheim (it was shut for renovation) we didn’t have a lot of time at the monumental Metropolitan Museum of Art and when it closed here we were again
…shame. Trust me we are nearly there, I had now given up any chance of tea and ribena so was contemplating the big Pond Paddle…but first a trip to try to find out why our Texan compatriots had chucked what we desperately sought in the sea and managed to end up an independent nation.
Day 6 – Philadelphia …
home of the non-weight conscious cheesecake maker…oh and this
As with Plymouth Rock (see Boston blog) they appear to have been a tad careless.
The highlight ...Gus…
the Sammy Davis Jnr of National Park Rangers and one of our heroes because he stood and recited, from memory, the whole of Abraham Lincoln’s speech when Kansas had just joined the Union and they were trying to look for ways to resolve differences to avoid Civil War…We were spellbound and he deserved a medal a as a national treasure too. And finally…Day 7
Home to
and Nathan’s world famous Hot dog eating competition …current champion 66 hot dogs in 12 minutes …. Also 
and the ultimate in 50’s run down kitsch
the Freak is human…the ammunition paint… That’s one end, the other is known as
and I kid you not when I say not a word of English spoken or advertised at all
We had lunch in Tatiana’s where:
1 you had to turn to the back page to get to the English
2 P asked the waitress for water and got napkins
3 A scout party from the Petrograd Retired Ladies Weightlifting Team (class of 62) were ordering buckets of beetroot borscht and vodka in equal amounts
4 you went down the stairs to the toilets where it was a cross between a Stalin showcase, new money and a Mafia Whorehouse with minders adding up their takings and eyeballing you if you lingered too long looking through the office door too much.
5 The Marlboro light man has had a successful advertising campaign swapping boots and hat for a bearskin and cossack outfit
Then
As I took this picture…Large Tatiana booms behind me
- She VARY pretty Laydy NO? HA HA
and slaps me on the back into the middle of next week. When I turn round SHE IS THE MODEL FOR THE DUMMY!
…was this a sick commemorative poster for the cosy Vodka, Spam and Hob Nobs summit at Yalta 1945?A recuperating coffee in Starbucks was rudely interrupted when a Russian Baboushka, the spit of the witch in Snow White only 6 inches smaller and in requisite apron and headscarf, turned round on a sixpence with her shopping trolley and eyeballed me while proffering a beetroot made up to look like a Canadian Red Delicious...suddenly I was aged 4 climbing over the back seat at the Dorchester cinema scattering Kia Ora to the Four Winds …see some things just never go away do they?
And all the time P was muttering under his breath
- McCarthy would be turning in his grave.
And we discussed the fact that everyone is scared that the old Coney Island would be lost in development plans; that whatever the declared legitimacy of the investment money, the new Cyrillic writing brotherhood could not resist a reminder of old home as witnessed by the regimented albeit stylish apartment blocks festooned with expensive cars and Russian orthodox style furnishings.
Oh and in case we forget
this is what Coney Island is famous for…though there was the odd place I nearly fell through so beware Coney Island Metropolitan District Council you are playing into the developers' hands… Last evening in Brooklyn..
And at the risk of breaching trade, copyright (remember this is the US)
So no tea found, nor Ribena shucks I guess I’ll have to get ma canoe out. Unfortunately it is only one person in size so I have to leave P behind to return to Fort Worth…
When I do get back to blighty if you ever visit me this will be the warning in my kitchen with the addition of “cos of ma food!”
. Birds’nest soup anybody?
xxxx
